By Melanie Childers
So, first things first: What is a life coach?
Life coaches are not therapists, that’s the first thing you should know. While therapy is for dissecting the past, coaching is about creating the future - the life you want to lead, the actions you want to take, and the person you want to become. We employ many of the same modalities as therapists, yet our purpose is not to help you heal, but to help you move forward once you’ve healed. We hold you accountable, help you take back power in your life, and help you see your blind spots so you can overcome them. I’m not here to diagnose or treat anything.
My intention with this column is to help you see where your thoughts and beliefs (aka your mindset) are keeping you stuck, how to make better decisions, and literally change your thinking. I’m always going to turn your life’s responsibility back to you (not other people in your life) so you have more agency and that might be triggering or frustrating, but it’s always meant for your best and highest growth.
How do I attract quality men? Every guy I date is worse than the one preceding him. How does a guy go from talking about marriage and moving in together to “I just want to be friends”? Why would he buy tickets to a show knowing that he was going to break up with me prior? He said I could still go to the show, but I don’t want to. I barely knew him 2 months. I asked what I did wrong but he wouldn't tell me. He fed me cliches about how I’m great but he had an epiphany that we don’t belong together. He said there is no one else, then he showed up at karaoke with another girl.
Dizzy from the 180
The big thing here that pops out to me is that you were talking about marriage with someone you’d only known for two months, tops. Why? What’s the rush? What was the thought process behind that? The “epiphany” he had was that he was interested in someone else, or he’s someone who fast forwards relationships until he gets what he wants (which is often undying devotion or lots of sex) and then bails. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and frankly good riddance to that dude.
When you find that you’re repeating the same relationship patterns and attracting the same kind of person, it’s time to look at your side of the street. We can look to other people’s behavior to sort out what they were thinking to some degree, but it’s far more powerful to look at our own thinking and what that is creating in our lives.
So, here’s the tough love part. Where are you showing up falsely in your life and with other people? Where are you not being 100% honest in your intentions? Why are you in such a hurry for a full blown relationship? What are you hoping that will solve for you? Why do you want someone to race past the part where you figure out all the hard stuff to see if it can actually work? Why are you willing to let a relationship be that surface level? Where are you not being honest with yourself?
When you are honest with yourself about these answers, you’ll find you and what you need. It’s time to love yourself super hard and give yourself what you think you need from other people.
Here’s what you can work on now: Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Demonstrate to others how you want to be treated by creating solid boundaries around what types of behavior you will and won’t accept - and stick with them. Create good boundaries for yourself too. Look really hard at your reasons why you want a relationship right now and figure out how to give yourself what you think you need.
When you’re fulfilled, totally in love with yourself, and enjoying just being with you no matter what, the right folks will come.
And if they don’t you’ll still be ok.
I’m Melanie Childers, MEd, a Master Certified Confidence and Leadership Coach, activist, yogi, writer, educator, and all around badass. I have a Master’s degree in Adult Education.
I show progressive women activists, candidates, and entrepreneurs how to manage their minds so they can build confidence, manage stress, and lead with integrity. I teach them how to handle mind drama when things go sideways.