By T.W. Burger
Remember the 1987 film “RoboCop,” starring Peter Weller? The main character was a regular cop in the not-too-distant future who was literally shot to pieces by a gang of extravagantly evil bad guys.
An evil corporation rebuilt him as a cyborg police officer who turned out way more badass than the bad guys.
Anyway, every time RoboCop moved, he was accompanied by a cacophony of whirs and clicks and thuds and he trolleyed along on his errands.
That’s not me…not yet, anyway, but I’m working on it.
Nobody’s trying to turn me into an agent of justice and law enforcement, at least, as far as I know. But the medical community seems to be automating me by tiny steps.
Just in the last few years I have added a few accessories; Two stents in my heart, plastic lens in my eye, and now a temporary glucose monitor attached to my arm. I’m surprised I don't run on batteries! At least I don’t sound like an ambulatory Prius.
Still on the to-do list are artificial knees and one ankle re-build. I like to think it of the old days when buddies would take an old, sedate sedan and turn it into a hotrod. My doctors tell me not to get my hopes up.
I am a little afraid that if I take a DNA test, I'll come out part RadioShack.
To the science skeptics, I have nothing to say that I can write here. Just because you slept through science class does not meant that what the rest of us learned was not true. If it were not for the science you disdain, I would never have made it to puberty and would have cashed out several times between then and now without science and smart people to wield it. You people are not just ignorant, you are silly: Your lack of understanding is in no way as good as factual information.
Now, as long as you and the witch doctor who leads your cult do not destroy the Affordable Care Act (ACA), I’m going to take advantage of every medical advancement for which I qualify that will make my life less painful and more enjoyable.
And maybe even make me faster. And sexy.
T.W. Burger was raised in Athens. He graduated from Athens High School in 1967. He worked as a driver of everything from fork trucks to garbage trucks and concrete mixers, has been an apprentice mortician and ambulance attendant.
He has been a newspaper reporter since 1985, mostly in Gettysburg, PA, with various stints at other publications. Semi-retired, he is still working as a freelance writer and lives on the banks of Marsh Creek just outside of Gettysburg.
He is the author of "The Year of the Moon Goose" and is currently writing “Never Met a Stranger" and "Noodles the Bear."