When will the horror end?

By Eddie Whitlock

My friend Kelly posted a meme on social media that said, “Can we skip to the end of this Trump movie where it fades out & captions tell us how long they each got in prison?”  

Since the Trump presidency is truly a nightmare – and it’s close to Halloween – I think it’s logical to think of it as a horror movie. That way, we can look forward to the end.

 After some reflection, I’ve decided to stick with the classic Universal Studios monsters for my column.

The first Universal monster movie was produced in 1913 (a silent Jekyll and Hyde) and the last in 1956. Those classics – much like our first forty-four Presidents of the United States of America – set a standard.

Does the Orange Monster resemble any of the Universal Studios Monsters?

 Mary Shelley’s creation Frankenstein came to the screen in 1931 with Boris Karloff starring as the lumbering giant. He was a frightening figure, but ultimately, he’s not a bad fellow, really.

That “monster” was sympathetic, a victim of public reaction to his appearance. Is there a parallel to Trump? Nope.

Frankenstein’s creature died at the end of that first film when a windmill collapsed. Well. Okay, maybe there’s a windmill connection since Trump really hates windmills.

But, no, Trump is no Frankenstein’s monster.

How about “The Wolfman”? I don’t think so. Again, we have a character who is just too sympathetic.  Larry Talbot didn’t choose to become a werewolf. He was cursed. Throughout the film, he tries to end the curse because he doesn’t want to hurt other people.

Again, nothing in common with the Orange Monster on that point. I do think Melania sounds a lot like Maleva, the woman who cursed Larry Talbot. And I don’t think it’s far-fetched to think that Melania has probably cursed Donald a few times, though in a different manner.

I cannot see “Dracula” working out as a Trump metaphor. We’re talking about a blood sucker who lived in a dilapidated mansion surrounded by other blood suckers, attempting to lure in unsuspected victims. And then, there’s Dracula.

The Count may be a vampire, but he’s got class. When he lures Renfield to the castle, he treats him as a guest. At no point is Renfield asked to buy a cap, invest in a fraudulent cryptocurrency, or contribute to the construction of a moat around the castle.

Slow-moving, predatory, and ancient, “The Mummy” is initially a good match for Donald J. Trump.

Imhotep, however, is silent. Wouldn’t it be great if – Well.

Clearly, the mummy would not be a match for Trump. The mummy shuffles along, attacks perceived enemies, and mauls women, but he does it all without talking constantly about it.

“The Invisible Man”? Oh, hell no. The delusional Orange Monster thinks he looks like Elvis. He’s never going to voluntarily become invisible. He’s so obsessed with being in front of a camera that when he’s out of the news cycle for more than 24 hours, the rumors of his demise immediately surface. Being seen is his raison d’etre.

“The Creature from the Black Lagoon”? Well. He is slimy and attracted to women who do not return his attention. It’s no match, though, because the Universal Monster is athletic and – again – a sympathetic character in the long-run. Also, scientists love the guy. But the Creature from the Black Lagoon never decimated their research funding.

“Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” doesn’t work because he has no “good” personality to counter his evil dark side.

Being the “Phantom of the Opera” would require an appreciation of the arts. Hm. I’m afraid he won’t work either.

None of the Classic Monsters are very much like Trump. Maybe I should have gone with the modern monsters, but I have a feeling I would run into complications there, too. Most of them just aren’t self-centered enough. Most monsters put their mission above their own well-being. That’s what makes them entertaining monsters.

And one awful thing came to my mind when Kelly made her comment about this Donald Trump movie we’re living through. This is certainly a horror movie and horror movies don’t really end. They have sequels and adaptations in perpetuity.

That’s certainly true of the Universal Monsters.

 The Frankenstein creature did not die in the windmill collapse. Boris Karloff repeated his role in two more Universal classics. Lon Chaney, Jr., Bela Lugosi, and Glen Strange filled the big shoes after that. The Frankenstein creature keeps coming back. (Soon, he’ll be back in a reimaging by Guillermo Del Toro. I’m looking forward to it.)

 The Wolfman, likewise, was brought back to meet Frankenstein two years later. He keeps being reinvented in varying incarnations.

The Mummy trudged on, still silent, in films over the decades since his 1932 “birth.”

The others have also been reborn repeatedly since the Golden Age of Horror.

My point here is that monsters don’t die. Thus, we had the election of 2024. If I had to give that a Universal Movies-like title, I think it would be “Return of the Trump: Musk Hacked the Voting Machines.” That’s just me, though.

No, sadly, we are stuck with this monster, it seems.

And maybe this movie won’t have a horror movie ending. Maybe it will end like Kelly wanted with a summary of the fates of major characters. That might be better.

Just, please, let there be an ending. 

 Eddie Whitlock is a Georgia native, UGA graduate, and wannabe writer. He’s retired from the Athens-Clarke County Library where he worked as coordinator of volunteers, community service supervisor, and vending machine scapegoat.